everyday evans

keep calm

2012-02-11T14:00:00.002-05:00

like clay

2012-02-04T12:56:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I come here with no thoughts to put down, and other times I am bubbling over with ideas in my head that are trying to get out...today is the latter.

I'm thinking about how much of a sinner I am
But also how I'll go days without admitting any of my sins to myself or God.
I'm thinking about my one word: serve
And how I'm failing miserably at it most of the time.
I'm praying about finances
But also relying on God to provide for us as he always has before.
I'm enjoying feeling my little girl make her presence know as I type
But worrying about what life will be like once she is here.
I'm questioning God's timing on adoption
But trusting that he knows better than me.
I'm feeling consumed by thoughts like "Are we doing enough for the Kingdom of God?"
And I know the answer is no, we can always do more!

The last one is the hardest for me. I constantly ask God, what do you expect from us? Are we fulfilling your plan for our lives today? I know my salvation isn't based on works, that isn't what I'm getting at. What I want is for my life to reflect Jesus in every.single.thing I do, and I am so not even close to that.

I think I am railing against becoming complacent.

I don't ever want to be satisfied in my own life to the point where I forget about others.

I see that becoming very easy for me. I am not a selfless person by nature. I tend to be very inward and mememe oriented, it's my flesh. These thoughts are probably more on my mind now that I am preparing to enter into another season of life. It's one that I have wanted for a very very long time, but it also scares me.

Motherhood. I am over the moon excited to be a mom. I am also crazy terrified. I am not scared of the sleeplessness, the amount of time and energy devoted to this little girl, the lack of one on one with my husband, or any of the other things that come with that territory. No, I may not be prepared for all of it, but I am ready.

What I am scared of is losing myself in a world of diapers and playdates and being just ok with that. I don't want to be ok with not serving others. I don't want to be fine with pulling back from people.

Lord, I pray that you would give me balance in the coming season. I pray that you would give me the strength to serve both my husband and my daughter, but also the desire to continue to grow your Kingdom. God I know that I honor you with my actions in my family, but I also know how easy it could be for me to stay in my comfort zone. Stretch me, use me, mold me to look more like Christ - no matter the season I am in.

This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the LORD: “Go down to the potter’s house, and there I will give you my message.” So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the LORD came to me. He said, “Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?” declares the LORD. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, Israel. - Jeremiah 18:1-6

v day

2012-01-28T20:41:00.000-05:00

No, not Valentine's Day. Viability day.

Friday marked my 24th week of pregnancy, which means that our baby has a really good (ie: about 70%) chance of surviving outside the womb, should she be born early. Anyone in pregnancy land will tell you that this is a big deal day, but coming from pregnancy after loss...let's just say it's huge.

I definitely do not want to meet this girl any earlier than May, but today I praise God that my chance to mother her on earth has risen exponentially. My chance to watch my husband hold her and spoil her has greatly increased.

I know every breath I take is a sweet gift from God, but I have never been more aware of that fact than I am today.

So blessed.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.- Psalm 139:13-14

i miss costa rica

2012-01-21T17:43:00.001-05:00

It's been hitting me hard for a while now.

When we first started going to Costa Rica a few years ago, we didn't know just how much of our hearts it would steal and keep. When we had finally settled into the thought of never getting pregnant, we just assumed Costa Rica would continue to be a part of our lives. Even when we decided adoption was our path, we knew we'd be getting older children and they would be perfectly fine at the grandparents for a week while we were there. When we lost our first baby, Costa Rica was the balm to my heart that only God could have provided.

Not going to Costa Rica has never seemed like an option before. Like I have said so many times before, please don't take this like I am ungrateful for this pregnancy. However, overseas missions seemed like our future (we have seriously discussed becoming missionaries in a Central American country) or at least something that we would continue to pursue.

I know I'll go back one day. But today, when it is rainy in my town, I wish that rain was hitting my face on the mountain of Grano de Oro.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven" - Ecclesiastes 3:1

stats

2012-01-14T12:24:00.000-05:00

I figured it was time for a pregnancy update. I won't bore you with a ton of info you either know/don't care about/could look up yourself. Here is a little bit about what we are experiencing right now.

I am 22 weeks and 1 day today. My appetite has finally seemed to come back, praise God. I was really worried for a while that I wasn't being the best mother I could be because I never felt like eating. I forced food into my mouth for many, many weeks. (I have never had an issue like that before, ha!)

I felt her kick for the first time at exactly 18 weeks. I saw her kick at exactly 19 weeks, and Eric felt her/saw her at exactly 20 weeks. People said that once you start to feel the baby move, you shouldn't expect to feel it consistently. Um, not so in my little ninja's case! I have felt her everyday several times a day for the last 4 weeks. And I love every minute of it. I seriously could lay on the couch for hours talking to her and feeling her move. I am still in awe of this blessing.

Baby girl is almost a pound and somewhere around 8 inches long...although if she takes after us she probably isn't going to be making it onto the WMBA ;)

We have picked a name, and no we aren't sharing! Seriously though it's like an unspoken pact between Eric and I, we never say her name out loud! I think it in my head but when we refer to her it's always a nickname. I don't think either of us can do it because then it feels TOO real, too good to be true.

I'm still overwhelmed by starting a registry and decorating the nursery. Yup.

As much as I want to meet this little life that has taken up residence in my body, I so don't want pregnancy to end. (Please don't insert commentary like "just wait a few months, you'll be ready!" Love ya, but that's not where I'm at.)

Lots and lots of friends and family talk to our girl, which is so incredibly sweet. I am definitely not the first priority anymore and I am so ok with that. If people want to greet my baby and then me, it's alright with me! I should get used to it now anyway, according to my mama friends.

Well, that was a lot more random than I intended! A brain dump was needed I guess.

God has been so good to us, we literally have nothing to complain about. Through this pregnancy God is teaching me patience with myself. He is teaching me so much more about being thankful. Mostly he is teaching me complete and total dependence on him. God you are good, through the calm and through the storm.

my one word

2012-01-05T23:30:00.000-05:00

My One Word is a movement that has been around since 2007 (I think) that gets rid of all the New Years resolutions that we never keep, and has us focus on one word for the entire year.

I took some time to pray about my word, and the one that I believe God has laid on my heart is serve.

I want to serve God more in 2012.
Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. - Romans 12:11

I want to serve my husband more in 2012.
In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ - Acts 20:35

I want to serve my church more in 2012.
But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. - 1 Corinthians 12:24-26

I want to serve my community more in 2012.
For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” - Galatians 5:13-14

What's your one word?

on slowing down

2011-12-31T13:00:00.000-05:00

I knew it would be like this, I knew the moment when Eric and I found out whether or not our sweet baby was a boy or a girl would be game changer.

I have definitely struggled with this pregnancy, mentally more than anything else. Typing that outright sounds kind of terrible. Let me explain.

I wanted to be pregnant.
I still want to be pregnant.
I am overjoyed to be pregnant.

However, coming from the world of infertility and loss has been more difficult than I ever imagined.

I don't immediately identify with my other pregnant friends. I am joyful, but my joy comes from the Lord, not from the fact that I am pregnant. I am also thankful, same reasoning. You cannot just erase almost four years from your life like they never happened. God has grown and stretched me in ways I could have never imagined. I can look back and see times where God was molding me to look more like his Son. Painful times, but so very productive.

So yes, I have struggled to come to terms with many things during this pregnancy. It doesn't mean I am ungrateful at all, but in my humanness, my mind wanders.

Why now God? Why this timing?
I love this baby, but I loved my first baby too. I wouldn't be carrying this little girl if my first one wasn't sitting with you today.

Can you understand why this pregnancy has been such a mind battle for me? There are a lot of things that add to that battle as the pregnancy progresses; milestones that I did or did not reach with Ellis. The biggest one so far? Gender.

Which brings us back to the game changer. We found out our little one is indeed female, to which I was supremely surprised and Eric was ridiculously overjoyed! To say he was hoping for a girl is an understatement. Love that man of mine! But after our initial elation, reality set in. More than reality, pressure.

I don't like pressure. But there it was like a big black rain cloud hovering over our parade. No one had to put it there, it just appeared on it's own. Pressure to name. Pressure to tell the name. Pressure to decorate the nursery. Pressure to register for all things pink. Pressure, pressure, pressure.

Eric and I have decided not to give in to pressure. This may be the only full-term (God willing) pregnancy we ever get to experience. In an effort to fully realize the blessing we have been given, there are things we must do in order to protect our hearts and minds. A few of these things will make other people mad, I am aware of that. I also don't feel like I have to defend our decisions to anyone. We don't plan on announcing our baby girl's name to the general public. I don't plan on registering for a million and one things, nor do I plan to register any time soon.

Right now I am happy to just sit and enjoy the kicks that I know I'll miss feeling soon. (I'm 20 weeks!!!)
I am even ok with going maternity shopping...mostly because I love shopping and it's getting to be a necessity!
I've started a tiny bit of nursery dreaming, mostly to appease my very excited mom who is generously making the bedding for her first granddaughter.
I am just not sold on the over-hyped commercialization of pregnancy (or babies and children for that matter, kids just aren't as burdening or expensive as the world makes them out to be).

I think most women want pregnancy to go fast so they can get straight to mothering. I'm just not of that same mindset. And that isn't stemming from me having a superawesomeIcouldbepregnantfortherestofmylife pregnancy, it's just the realization that it is so easy to take gifts from God for granted...even gifts we have ~~wanted~~ begged for for years.

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." - Psalm 46:10

what a year can bring

2011-12-28T23:21:00.000-05:00

I am stealing this idea from my friend Gaby and giving her credit because I told her I would! :)

2011 in Review
January marked the one year anniversary of starting the adoption process. We were discouraged, and yet had so much hope for that route. God had different things in my mind, we just didn't know it yet.

February is the month that took me to Honduras, Eric to Costa Rica, and renewed my passion for mission work. I wrote about it a lot. It's also the month we conceived for the first time in our 4.5 year marriage.

March is the month I came home from Honduras. It's the month that we learned of our conception and felt God's presence in our lives in a new and different way. God also taught me a lot about anxiety this month.

April was a slow month in blog land for me, but not in my personal life. I did post a little about infertility.

May was a big month. I turned 26 and was incredibly depressed. I had to say goodbye to my first child. God taught me a very important lesson on the body of Christ.

June was the month my sweet husband turned 28. God blessed me immensely and unexpectedly with another mission trip to Costa Rica, a balm to my broken and confused heart.

July brought our FIVE year anniversary! It also brought our decision to stop pursuing foster-to-adopt.

August was the month that God taught me a lot about identity. We conceived our second child, unbeknownst to us. I also got this spiffy new blog ;)

In September I guest posted on Held, and we learned of the sweet baby growing inside me.

In October I had a lot of blog problems and switched back to blogger! Love blogger. We also announced our pregnancy to you and the world ;) I also had to say good-bye to my grandmother.

November came with highs and lows. I told you the name we chose for our first baby on her estimated due date. I also entered into my second trimester with the baby girl I now carry.

December brought the excitement and anticipation of finding out the sex of our sweet baby. We celebrated the best birthday in the world, JESUS'!

What did 2011 have for you? I have to say, this year was a roller coaster of emotions that surpasses the others by a landslide. But we have SEEN God work, we have tasted his goodness and experienced pieces of His magnificent plan. We wouldn't trade 2011 - heartaches and joys - for anything.

merry christmas

2011-12-24T23:30:00.000-05:00

"All kings will bow before him, and all nations will serve him." - Psalm 72:11

it's a...

2011-12-24T19:00:00.000-05:00

There were a total of 53 votes on my little poll for boy or girl! 30 of you said girl, while the other 23 believed a baby boy was in our future! Believe me when I say there were some STRONG opinions on both sides :) You all made this a lot of fun for us! But more importantly, we so appreciate the prayers on behalf of our little one.

We are beyond blessed to announce that...

Majority wins! Now for names, nursery, and all that jazz!!!

hangin' there

2011-12-18T05:00:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago I shared with you all that the day after we saw our precious baby's heartbeat for the first time, my grandmother went home to be with the Lord. I don't think I can ever explain the mix of emotions felt during that week.

Today I just want to talk about Tata. Tata means grandmother in Arabic. It's pronounced "Ta" (like tablet) "tah." Most of this post won't mean anything to you all, that's ok, I just feel the need to put down memories of her somewhere. I've always said this blog is my outlet, where I hope to encourage others and glorify God all at the same time.

Tata is one of my first memories. When my parents divorced and we moved away, we visited my dad every summer. We always stayed at Tata's house. She lived about a quarter mile from the ocean in Massachusetts. Her house is one of my favorite places in the entire world. We moved a lot growing up, so I can't say "my childhood home" and mean one place in particular. Tata's house has always been my constant. It is a very small white cottage made up of two bedrooms, one tiny bathroom, a living room and a kitchen. That's it. I love every square inch of that place. My most favorite space in that house is actually not in the house, it's outside. You see Tata was born and raised in Lebanon. She is hands down the best cook I've ever known...more on that later. Anyway, a traditional Arabic dish is yubra - stuffed grape leaves. When Tata moved into her house in the 60s the first thing she did was plant her grape vine. Over 50 years later, it's beautiful and full and producing the most awful tasting grapes! That doesn't matter though, all she needed was the leaves.

She had two sheds out back stuffed to the gills with everything you can imagine. She had two freezers in one, completely packed with food and Lebanese bread! In the event of a snow storm, she wouldn't have to go anywhere for weeks.

A few years ago I thought it would be very important to learn to cook some of her Arabic dishes. She measured nothing! I carefully watched and wrote down ingredients, steps, and eyeballed measurements to ensure I could at least make the simple things that I grew up eating. I thank God for those sweet hours I got to spend with her, talking about how she learned to cook and where she grew up. I learned that she married at 13 years old! She had my dad at age 16 and my uncle at 20. She didn't have any more children after him and I could see in her face that it pained her. She never spoke of being unable to conceive, but at the time Eric and I were going through the same thing and my heart broke over our unspoken infertility bonds.

I learned to make hummus, sfiha (spinach/meat pies), yubra (stuffed grape leaves), mujadara (lentils and rice), tabouleh (parsley salad) and many more dishes. I hope one day they turn out as good as hers.

While Dad was working, Tata did her best to fill our days. We went to the beach and collected snails. She loved to put her feet in the water. We walked on the sea wall. We visited family. Most of all, we shopped! Tata loved to shop. She would shop and buy and the next day she'd return everything! She loved to grocery shop too. She went nearly every day. It was amazing to see her cart filled with $100 worth of groceries, and she'd spend $7.62. I am not kidding, the woman was the original Extreme Couponer.

Dad took us to Disney World one time, and Tata came too! At almost 70 years old, she rode Space Mountain!!! Coolest grandmother ever. When she passed away and I went to MA to help dad go through some of her things, I found a very important envelope. It contained the original deed to her house, her marriage certificate, Dad's birth certificate, and all of our tickets from Disney World. Of course, I lost it. She kept everything important to her in that envelope.

Though she lived in the States for over 50 years, she still liked English as her second language. The sounds of Arabenglish permeated her house as she spoke fast and fluent with her sisters and brother. I will never forget certain phrases that rang out loud when she was excited, or angry!

When she saw us for the first time - "Ya budna!!!"
When she was angry with dad - "Haram."
When she called me on the phone - "Hi Nino!" (Nino was a nickname, no one knows how it got started but she is the only one to ever give me one that actually stuck.)
When asked how she was doing - "Hangin' there!" (She meant "hanging in there.")

I know my Tata loved the Lord. I know she is with with Jesus and she feels no more pain. I'm thankful that when God decided it was time it was fairly quick and relatively painless. There is so much more I could type, so much more I could say about her. I could write a novel on the many hilarious experiences we had, the funny conversations on the phone...

The last voicemail she left me was during Hurricane Irene: Hi Nino! How are you Tata? Be careful from the hurricane Tata. Stay with your sister and brother. I'll talk to you later einey, bye. I love you. Bye.

She could never say bye just one time.

Bye Tata, I love you too. Bye.

So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. - 2 Corinthians 5:6-8

sometimes it's ok to pick sides

2011-12-01T23:16:00.000-05:00

Well friends there is some intense debate among family/friends/blog friends as to whether Baby Evans is sugar and spice or snips and snails. So I am setting up a poll (see right side of blog) for you all to cast your vote!

To help you along, here is how I compare to some old wives tales about gender:

I crave sour/salty.
My hair is full and thick.
I had morning sickness (but it was at night and now it's gone)
Chinese gender predictor said boy.
I would say my "bump" is more low than high.
The heart rate is consistently in the 155-165 range.

My intuition says boy but Eric says girl! Honestly, we really don't care either way. Healthy is way more important. My doctor did agree to do the gender scan on December 20th, I'll be almost 19 weeks then. We will get the technician to put the results in a card for us to open on Christmas morning! (Or evening, I am notoriously impatient!)

Mostly I am just excited to see our sweet little one via ultrasound for the second time. It will be almost 11 weeks since we saw him/her the first time. I, for one, am very glad God has blessed us with the knowledge of this technology.

I'll let you guys all know the results shortly after Christmas!!! Now go vote ;)

ellis

2011-11-19T17:41:00.000-05:00

Today is the day Eric and I were supposed to meet our baby. Instead of heading to the hospital and going through labor and delivery and ending up with a snuggly little bundle in our arms, we are sitting in our living room, arms empty.

We named our baby, though I have never shared here before. Though we never found out the sex, we both had a sense she was a girl.

Ellis - "my God is the Lord"

Ellis gave us so much. I had thought conception an impossibility, Ellis proved that wrong. I had a deep desire to become a mother, and Ellis made me one. She brought a lot of joy to us in the short time that I carried her.

I can't write any more through the tears. I miss our baby. My heart still hurts from what we lost.

But my God is the LORD.
He is my strength and my Redeemer, my very present help.
He is close to the brokenhearted.
He is our Sustainer.
My God is the LORD.

We love you, Ellis.

goodbye, first tri(mester)

2011-11-18T22:59:00.000-05:00

Well as of yesterday I officially entered the second trimester. Woah. That means I am 1/3 of the way through with this pregnancy (assuming dates are correct and baby comes close to my due date).

Reality is really starting to set in. I have moments of COMPLETE panic that I am growing a real live baby in me! And then the panic turns to amazement and I am awed by how awesome God has been to us. Our baby is the length of a lemon, which is appropriate as I love anything citrus-y. I *think* that my morning-but-should-be-called-night-sickness is weaning. The past few days I have felt GREAT! As in I have done laundry and cleaning and hung out with friends and generally been out and about rather than laid up on my couch. I have figured out a trick that seems to work for me. If I can sleep in until 9:30 or so in the morning, I tend to feel so much better in the day. The amount of sleep at night doesn't matter, just the time I wake up. Weird, I know.

And yes, I do know how blessed I am to have a job that affords me that opportunity :) I can button some pants, but not others. I have gained a little weight. My next appointment is December 1st, I will be 16 weeks then. My plan (if I can convince my doctor) is to hopefully have the gender scan when I am 18 weeks, which is right before Christmas. Then Eric and I can get our doctor to put the result in a card for us to open on Christmas! (And maybe I will tell friends and family too, hahahaha!)

Anyway, this was way longer than I intended. Bottom line is: I am trying to soak up every part of this pregnancy, the good and the not so good. There is no way to know whether God will bless us with another one, so I am taking each moment as it comes and praising the Lord for his goodness.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever." - 1 Chronicles 16:34

blogging boosts egos

2011-11-13T00:00:00.001-05:00

I love awards. There, I said it. I didn't get any superlatives in high school so winning just feels good ;)

The Liebster Award spotlights up and coming bloggers who generally have less than 200 followers. Upon receipt of the Liebster Award, there are a few very simple rules:
1. Copy and paste the award on your blog
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

A big thank you to one of my favorite bloggers (who just happens to have one of the most adorable children on the planet) Grace @ Chois-R-Us!

Now for my picks!
1. Taylor @ On My Front Porch Looking In
2. Jenn @ Life's Little Details
3. Eric @ Everything Matters Today (is it cheating to give one to my husband? I don't care, he rocks!)
4. Jess @ When the Music Fades
5. Deb @ Chosen Ones

Spread the award love people!

if you've ever owned a dachshund

2011-11-07T08:00:00.000-05:00

We have a miniature dachshund. Her name is Maggie. We have had her since we got back from our honeymoon, over 5 years ago. To say she is stubborn is an understatement. She is a self-proclaimed princess. She is insane. She has eaten 4 times the amount of chocolate that should have killed her (don't ask) and a half dozen Krispy Kreme donuts, yet here she lies breathing next to me. I may or may not refer to her as "the little bad one" on a daily basis. I am fairly convinced she has no soul because she knows when she does bad things and she just.doesn't.care. But I do love this crazy dog.

Anyway, if you have ever owned a dachshund...these are for you:

Do you have any funny dachshund-related gear?

heartbeat

2011-11-05T15:39:00.000-04:00

I posted before about the crazy amount of anxiety I have been having with this pregnancy. I know it's par for the course in a pregnancy after loss, but it's hard to...

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." - Philippians 4:6

...ya know? After our first ultrasound when we heard/saw our baby's precious heartbeat, my anxiety faded into the background for a while. However, since this is considered a normal pregnancy (even though I feel anything but normal!) I don't get another appointment until a month later. So in the span of a month I felt the old anxious feelings slowly creeping back in. They are sneaky, like little ninjas in my brain implanting"what if" questions deep within my synapses.

By the time my third appointment rolled around, I was in full blown panic mode. I feared my baby was already gone and that my doctor would be unable to find that beautiful little heartbeat again. I feared I'd be whisked off to ultrasound sans husband to learn that our little one was once again in the arms of Jesus.

But why oh why can't I seem to remember that we serve a God of miracles? Even after all the many trials in life He has brought us through??? I think a lot of it stems from my own feelings of unworthiness. I know so many precious and godly women who desperately desire nothing more than to become a mother. They are so much more deserving than I am. They have waited longer. Lord, won't you bless them in this way?

I'm rambling, so I'll get on with it. My doctor did find our baby's heartbeat, and quickly. I would be lying if I said it wasn't the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. I closed my eyes and the tears slipped down and just reveled in the sound of life growing in me.

I am pregnant. I am growing a baby. Eric and I are parents. I repeat these thoughts in my head a million times a day hoping that eventually they will sink in!

I am 12 weeks and 1 day now, just about a week shy of my second trimester. My baby is the size of a small lime and my doctor says I am measuring right on track. I've even gained a few pounds...which my friends assure me is a wonderful thing ;)

Lord, thank you for all the blessings in my life. There is a facebook status thingy (that's technical!) about the 30 Days of Thankful in November. I could easily name thirty things I am thankful for without naming my baby as one. I need to remember that. I was blessed before this pregnancy. God does bless people with the gift of children, but it is not his only or his greatest blessing: that would be Jesus Christ.

sunday smorgasbord

2011-10-30T15:12:00.000-04:00

1. I haven't blogged in a while, I'm sorry!
2. I am 11 weeks and 2 days today :)
3. I am not ready for Christmas. I haven't even thought about buying presents. Ugh.
4. I am ready for Thanksgiving. No presents, just good food and family and friends!
5. I have eager friends who would like to discuss baby names. My mind won't go there until I know a gender.
6. I am team blue all the way. Eric is not. Neither are most of my friends, haha!
7. I learned Saturday that I am a face painting BEAST.
8. I have so much laundry to do it's comical. As in, I laugh when I think about it.
9. My grandmother passed away the day after our ultrasound. I am still pretty devastated. More on that soon.
10. Sometimes you just need a good random brain dump post to kickstart your blogging again! (hint hint to some of my scarce bloggy friends!)
11. I AM SO IN LOVE WITH JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what i don't believe in

2011-10-18T08:00:00.001-04:00

I want to preface this post by saying I am so, so humbled and thankful for this pregnancy. I love this baby so very much and I wouldn't change any of this crazy ride even if I could. I know God has a reason for every minute detail of our lives, even when we don't understand his motives or timing.

Timing is what I am talking about today. I hadn't told you yet, in fact I had told very few people in real life of our plans. Eric and I decided to start the domestic infant adoption process. We chose an agency, filled out our preliminary paperwork, and scheduled our first meeting. We were also very excited about our new adventure! I have a saved post in drafts that I was writing to tell you all when I took the pregnancy test that changed our lives...again.

Hear me and hear me well, friends. I am NOT advocating the "just adopt and you will get pregnant" movement. Just so you know, that happens to less than 10% of the couples who choose adoption. It's a myth, pure and simple.

The other thing I want you to know...or maybe it's more for myself than anyone else...adoption is still my heart. Eric and I, God-willing, will adopt one day. I still don't know if it will be through foster care, domestic, or international. My heart is for the orphan and that will never change.

I won't lie, I have had moments of disappointment when I think about the fact that we are not able to adopt right now (most agencies, including the one we chose, do not allow adoption until 1 year after a child is born into the family). I am not disappointed that we are pregnant! I am not sad about growing a tiny little life inside of me, please know that. I think I am just struggling with God's timing in it all. We were so at peace and SO excited about adoption and BAM - a completely alternate route.

What I don't believe in: coincidence
What I do believe in: a sovereign God

That's really the heart of the matter, isn't it?

"To humans belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the proper answer of the tongue. All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the LORD. Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans. The LORD works out everything to its proper end — even the wicked for a day of disaster." - Proverbs 16:1-4

back to basics

2011-10-15T16:20:00.000-04:00

Or should I say back to what works?

I am back to blogger. Way too many issues with hosting when I made the switch. Eric has spent entirely too much time trying to fix stuff on mine and his, so we are both Official Forever Blogger Fans. That's the technical term.

You'll be happy to know that the ~~blogroll~~ people i stalk list is back and functioning. This system works better for me anyway. Can I just say that I hate RSS readers? Yup, I said it. It's true.

Here's to not fixin' what ain't broke!

the one about miracles

2011-10-09T10:40:00.002-04:00

Where do I start? How do I tell you all about a miracle that I have been dreaming about writing forever? My first instinct is to come out and say it. My first instincts are never that good. Maybe I’ll just tell you a story.

You know the beginning of this story. You know, the story of a boy and girl who fell in love, got married, and couldn’t have babies. But God was sovereign.

You know some of the crazy turns this story has taken. The boy and the girl decide to adopt through foster care. It didn’t end well. In fact, it didn’t end at all. Almost two years later, they still aren’t certified. But God was bigger than their plans.

You know about the heartache they have endured. The boy and the girl learned of the little one growing inside her, only to lose that little one entirely too soon. But God was loving.

Now, there is a new little one growing inside her. This baby is perfectly formed with arms and legs and the most beautiful heartbeat the boy and girl had ever seen or heard. God is faithful.

I’m pregnant, dear friends. It is indeed a miracle. A very unexpected and much desired miracle. I have been processing this news for over two weeks now. It was two weeks of very intense anxiety and fear. You see, once you have experienced a loss, your innocence is taken. My first reaction upon learning of this new life was complete joy, followed very quickly by consuming fear. Fear that we would have to relive the nightmare of losing a child again.

I have the most incredible husband, family, and friends (both in my real life, and my Hannah girls) who were praying for me and our baby during those two weeks. I believe the Lord heard their prayers. Yesterday we had our first ultrasound. In the morning I woke up filled with dread, where was the hope I should have had? Where was God’s peace? I prayed…

“…I believe; help my unbelief!” – Mark 9:24b

I was literally shaking on the ultrasound table. Within moments, our precious baby was on the screen, wiggling away with a HEARTBEAT. A few moments later we heard that heartbeat for ourselves. That was the moment, for me. The moment I let go of fear and clung to hope. The moment I realized that the Lord really did bless us with not only a pregnancy, but a real live baby. Every emotion I felt dropped silently down my face in humble, grateful tears.

Friends, I am 8 weeks and 1 day today. Our baby has a
large
head, body, arms, legs, and a beautiful beating heart. I was very wary of posting here or facebook or anywhere else announcing our news, however, I have since learned of the absolute amazingness of the body of Christ. And, how loved Eric and I and our baby already are. I come here now, asking you to cover us in prayer. We are not naive, we know there is still a chance that we might not see this baby this side of heaven. We also know that we serve a big and mighty God.

“The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” – Zephaniah 3:17

I have much more to share, but in order to use my words carefully and bring the most glory to God, I must split the next few posts up. The multiplicity of emotions is just overwhelming right now.

Be back soon, God bless.

i'm sorry

2011-10-01T10:39:00.001-04:00

My blog was frozen.
I couldn’t access my account.
I couldn’t write any posts.
I lost all my followers and my comments.

But it’s ok.

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good… – Genesis 50:20a

My precious husband has fixed the problem (we think) so I am back online! If you wouldn’t mind, following me again? I’m sorry, I hate to keep asking that. But, if you want to get updates via GoogleFriendConnect, it’s the only way! I don’t think you will have to re-add me to your RSS feeders or blog rolls though.

And you should be excited I am back! I have many things to share with you!!!

held - he would

2011-09-19T10:37:00.001-04:00

He would probably gloat when we found out she was a girl.
He would laugh and poke my belly when she kicked him for the first time.
He would drive entirely too fast to the hospital when it was time.
He would be brave during labor and braver during delivery.
He would hold her for the first time like she was the most breakable thing on the planet.
He would love her fiercely.

Please join me on Held today for the rest.

let’s talk accountability

2011-09-12T10:34:00.001-04:00

Doesn’t that sound like the most fun topic EVER?

I didn’t think so. But recently I have been thinking about it a lot. A lot of times we make the mistake of having the “it’s just me and Jesus” mentality. Well, to be blunt, it’s not. Check out 1 Corinthians 12:12-31. It’s all about the body of Christ. As in, we are called to do life together.

That doesn’t just mean we go hang out at Starbucks together, sip pumpkin spice lattes (hello, delicious btw) and talk about what we are wearing to church on Sunday. I can say that because I have done just that. And you know what? That’s not accountability.

Accountability is hard. It’s not always fun. It requires a level of trust that we are not very willing to give out most of the time, especially if we have been burned before. I am going to go ahead and get personal with you. Ya know, cuz it’s my blog and I’ll blog if I want to. (I know, I shouldn’t making jokes about something serious but please, someone name that tune!) Here goes.

I don’t hesitate to have an accountability partner (or two) because I have been hurt in the past. I don’t hesitate because I’m not a talker. I don’t hesitate because it doesn’t come naturally.

I hesitate because I don’t want to be a burden on someone else. I know that once I bare my soul to someone other than God, I am exposed. I’m vulnerable. Every fiber of my being would wait in scary anticipation of the first words out of said partners mouth. I think we all have that one thing, the one that plagues us over and over. The one we tell God “I’m giving this to you!” only to take it right back again the next day. And if we have an accountability partner, they are going to see just how many times you have to confess that struggle.

Will they judge me?
Will they discount my pain?
Will they give me Godly advice, even if they have never been in my shoes?

Now, you and I probably don’t struggle with the same thing. We may not even agree on the reason why we hold back from a deeper relationship with people. As Christians, however, we have to agree on this: Accountability is a necessary and important step in growing a deeper relationship with the Lord.

I want you to know that God has blessed me with an incredible husband, and I tell him almost everything. He is my best friend. However, I can not go to my husband every single time I need to unload. It would crush him. And he can’t do that to me either. We need other people in our lives that we can be blatantly honest with.

On that note, I have been blessed with amazing friends. Some of them have seen me at my absolute blackest – though I’m not sure if they realize this. Something tells me they do. My friends have not walked my road, nor I theirs. Our weaknesses are so very different, but you know what we have in common?

We love because he first loved us. – 1 John 4:19

We love each other with a real, genuine love that stems from our individual relationships with Jesus. Because I love my friends, I do not judge their heart. Because my friends love me, they do not judge mine.

My heart aches for those of you who may not have friendships/relationships like this. They are necessary and healing and encouraging and bonding and I could go on and on. Some of you may have had accountability backfire on you in a big way, and now you are scared to do it again. Let me encourage you, the Lord can heal that hurt. You may be shy and feel unable to open yourself up people personally, the Lord can give you boldness.

If you don’t put yourself out there, you will miss big things that God has for you, I can promise you that. It’s my prayer that you will.

Though we are ultimately accountable to God, I believe that accountability with people is biblical.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. – Ephesians 5:21

new jeans

2011-08-31T14:28:00.000-04:00

Well Google Friend Connect decided to be a booger so I had to start that over. So if you were following me through it, you aren't following the new blog.

So head on over to everday evans and follow me. Again. If you want to.

LOVE my new blog. SUCH a pain though. It's like breaking in a new pair of jeans. The old ones were so comfy but full of holes...the new ones are pretty but need to be washed 1000 more times...

time to say goodbye

2011-08-28T17:12:00.001-04:00

Goodbye old blog, hello new one! Head on over guys, but remember, it's like I just moved in to my new house so there are probably a lot of unpacked boxes. Ignore the mess and enjoy it for what it is right now ;)

everyday evans

tomorrow, tomorrow!

2011-08-27T11:51:00.000-04:00

Let's start this new blog switch over right with 20 Everyday Evans points to whomever can name that tune the fastest!

Tomorrow is the BIG DAY! Remember to switch your blog rolls, update bookmarks and RSS feeds to

www.everydayevans.com

I'm a little sad to see this blog go. It's like owning your first house! I learned a lot about me, writing, and God through this little place. And I got to meet all of YOU! So prettyprettypleasewithacherryontop come follow me again, I don't want to lose you!

I guess you are expecting a knock out post for tomorrow...which means I need to get to writing... ;)

i'm so excited and i just can't hide it

2011-08-25T08:00:00.003-04:00

Sooooooooooo...

As of Sunday afternoon, August 28, 2011, Reach In, Reach Out, Reach Up will cease to exist. Ok, not really. That was a little dramatic. But I won't be blogging under that name any longer. I told you a while ago that ch ch ch changes were coming and I meant it!

My new domain:

Everyday Evans

You clicked that link expecting big things, didn't you? Well sorry to disappoint, but no sneak previews here. You must wait your turn like everyone else ;)

Ok here's just a little preview:

Seriously though, I don't want to lose any of you in the change-over, so make sure you update your bookmarks or RSS feed. After Sunday make sure you follow www.everydayevans.com. Google Connect will be ready and waiting for you! Also, starting sometime next week (according to my supernerdysogladheistechsavvy husband) we will be forwarding Reach In, Reach Out, Reach Up to Everyday Evans. So one way or another, Imma getcha there!

SO EXCITED!

More to come...stay tuned!

oh how pinteresting

2011-08-21T22:52:00.000-04:00

It's my new addiction.

Pinterest.

Hours of ~~enjoyment totally useful~~ fun! Join, pin, follow, love.

things we all do

2011-08-16T08:00:00.000-04:00

I just found this site

Things We All Do

...and wasted a LOT of time. It's way fun. Please find #232 and #143. Yup that's me. And because it's fun to call out your spouse, Eric is #183.

the awkward silence

2011-08-15T08:00:00.005-04:00

While in the midst of infertility, there are a few questions you dread someone asking. Conversations start normally and innocently enough, and then they always end the same.

"So how long have you been married?"
Five years of bliss.

"Oh wow! Do you have any children?"
Not yet. Yes, but he/she is in heaven.

"What do you do?"
I am a math tutor for high school students at Bright and Beautiful Learning Center.

"Why don't you work full time?"
God has put it on mine and my husband's heart for me to work part time right now. Why don't you mind your own and stop giving me that judgmental look?

Awkward silence. Subject change.

It may seem like the worst question for infertile me is the one about children. It's not. I know that one is coming, and even though I feel a strong desire to answer yes to that question sometimes, I know the path of least resistance is a simple "not yet." I'm not technically lying, since I know that in their mind they are really asking the question "Do you have any living children?" even if they don't realize it. No one asks the question expecting me to tell them of my heaven-born baby. So I give them an out before they even know they need it.

No, the hard question is the last one. It's the one I don't often expect coupled with a look of "why would this childless woman only work part time?" As if the only two categories for married women are full time work or full time stay at home mom. My inbetweenness throws them off.

I feel the need to answer the mental questions I can see them asking me in that awkward silence.

Yes, originally I stopped working full time with every intention of becoming a mother. No, two years after quitting my teaching job that still hasn't happened. Also, no, I don't feel like we heard wrongly from God. I fully believe that what I have been doing for the past two years has been exactly God's plan for my life. I could list all the ways my husband and I have been blessed by it. I could list all the opportunities I have had because of my part time status. Just as easily, I could list all the ways people have tried to take advantage of it, or scorned it.

The point is, my identity has nothing to do with people. It has nothing to do with my job, full time or not. It has nothing to do with whether I have seven children or none. My identity is in Christ Jesus. My self-worth comes from the love and forgiveness I have received from Him. My purpose in life is to glorify God in all I do (or don't do, if that is the case.)

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.- 1 Corinthians 10:31

It's so easy to judge someone you have just met. It's even easy to judge someone you have been acquainted with for years, but haven't known. It's not easy to judge when you learn the heart of a person. I'm not saying I have this concept down, I don't. But in the many (painful) lessons the Lord has taught me on this infertility journey, this is one I will cherish most.

But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” - 1 Samuel 16:7

doppleganger of yore

2011-08-12T08:00:00.000-04:00

So remember my doppleganger post? Guess what! I have another one, except she is from my past. Well, not technically. She is in the present but my doppleganger is from the past!

She's flippin cute too, if I do say so myself. Meet mini-me:

<p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;O&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;</p>

Oh and here I am about 3 years old (insert awwwwwwww here):

Similar, no? I showed my mom and she confirmed it. She also said that the eeriest part is how serious she is...I might have been a little serious as a child.Where did that go?

this really cool blog

2011-08-08T21:53:00.002-04:00

Stop on over to my one and only's blog:

Everything Matters Today

He has really amped things up over there ;) Also, his may or may not be an indicator of the direction my little blog will be taking!

before and after

2011-08-05T23:37:00.000-04:00

I had started to realize that I viewed my life in two parts: before we lost our child, and after we lost our child.

Everything in my world was shaken to the core. My ability to make decisions had gone out the window. I didn't trust anything I said or did to be a part of God's plan for me.

You see, before our loss I was sure.
I was sure about adoption.
I was sure about a sibling group.
I was sure about going through foster care.
I was sure about being ok with not being pregnant, or having a biological child.
I was sure.

After our loss I was uncertain.
I was uncertain that I wanted to adopt.
I was uncertain that I wanted a sibling group.
I was uncertain about going through foster care.
I was uncertain if I ever wanted to become pregnant again, or have a biological child.

Before and after.

The truth is, my life is partitioned into two parts. I was just wrong about the event in which my life was divided.

If you want to read the rest, please go over to Held where I am guest posting today.

love for a lifetime

2011-08-03T17:54:00.000-04:00

before the morning

2011-07-28T11:45:00.000-04:00

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

ch ch ch changes

2011-07-25T16:44:00.000-04:00

So my mom might have a been a little bit of a David Bowie nut...anyway.

The title doesn't lie. There are BIG changes coming to this little blog (some of you may have realized I upgraded to a .com already, but that's nothing in the grand scheme of things). I will ask you all to pray, however, that I let God decide/guide the direction of this blog. After all, it's sole existence should be to glorify him.

Here's the fun part for you! You may be part of the supercooltotallyexclusive design selection committee. I know. WAY exciting! You're welcome.

Stay tuned, same bat time, same bat channel (for now!)

ineedthesemorethanair

2011-07-24T20:44:00.000-04:00

I might be a little dramatic, but seriously, if someone in blogland wants to donate to the heatherneedstoms fund...

They are calculus Toms!
Toms.
In red.
With calculus.
One for one.
Be still my beating math teacher heart.

doppleganger

2011-07-15T11:37:00.001-04:00

So I have never been told I look like any celebrity out there, ever.

Until the other day when Rachel left this:

So I did some googling and I think this is who she means:

Anjelah Johnson

To which I have to say...THANK YOU she is beautiful, but I'm not so sure of the resemblance ;) What do you think?

My husband is the real star of this post, however. He gets "you look like ________" all the time. His top two right now:

David Spade

Eric Foreman

But the other day a friend (who has never met my husband, I met him on my Honduras trip) asked if Eric had ever been in movies, because he look just like this guy:


Jack McBrayer

I think he is way better looking than any celebrity ;)

hot stuff!!!

the one you've been waiting for

2011-07-14T12:29:00.000-04:00

I have kind of avoided this update because I am not sure of how people are going to take it. Which is very unlike me, to worry about what others think, but here I am admitting that to you.

A year and a half ago we started our journey of foster-to-adopt. When we started it, we felt like we heard clearly from the Lord that this was to be our path. I don't think we heard wrong. A dear friend of mine told me that sometimes God takes us down a path, just to help us avoid another path that is not in his plan for us. When Eric and I started down this road, we envisioned that in a year, tops, our house would be filled with the sound of little footsteps, and that has obviously not come to pass. However, many other very good things have happened during this time, things neither of us would trade for the world.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. - Isaiah 55:8

We have decided that we haven't decided.

Confused yet? Just hang on.

We are not even certified for foster care yet, after a year and a half. We are not stopping the process, but we are not actively pursuing it right now either. And by that I mean I am not calling our social worker or emailing her to find out what is going on. I am not calling or emailing her supervisor either. We are leaving this part of adoption completely and totally in God's hands.

Here is what we are doing:
We are researching.
We are looking into several different types of adoption, and several different agencies.
We are still very excited about, and committed to, adoption.
That. has. not. changed.
Our hearts are for the orphan.

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. - James 1:27

I should say orphans.
Because we believe (and it has been confirmed to us through God, his Word, and his people) that we are going to be parents to many.

I don't know what many is (and Lord, I probably don't want to!) but Eric and I are willing to do whatever it takes to further God's kingdom.
To be molded into the image of Christ.
To serve.
To love.
To give God all the glory, because he is worthy!

Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen. - 1 Timothy 1:17

So I hope that I haven't disappointed anyone, but it doesn't really matter because I know - in this - that I am not disappointing God.

I promise, when we know more, so will you ;)

beautiful things

2011-07-12T17:44:00.000-04:00

This is my new favorite song. I heard it for the first time the other day at a concert some friends invited us to. Their friend was raising money to go to Africa. I immediately fell in love with the song...only learning the story behind it later.

All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way?
I wonder if my life could really change at all?
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground at all?

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

Oh, you make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
Making me new

You make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of the dust
(You are making me new, making me new)

You make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of us
(You are making me new, making me new)

Oh, you make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of the dust
(You are making me new, making me new)

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

the family

2011-07-09T12:40:00.002-04:00

Before I get started talking about all the amazinglywonderfulonlyGodcoulddothat stuff that happened on my trip to Costa Rica, I thought it was high time I introduce you to my family there. I say they are my family because that is how Eric and I feel. We love this family so, so much. It's hard to believe that we have only known them since 2009, because it feels like they have been a part of us forever.

Meet the Jones' Family!

Timothy and Keiry (pronounced "Katie") are two of the most amazing people/parents I have ever met. Their love for the Lord and for each other is unparalleled. They just celebrated their 23rd anniversary, which just happens to be three days after our anniversary! Timothy is hard at work translating the bible into Cabecar. You can read more about that here. Keiry is the glue that holds this family together, I want to be just like her one day!

Now for the most beautiful children on earth!

The oldest is Rebekah. She is in college to be a dentist! All of the Jones' kids are hard workers, but I have never heard a single complaint come from Rebekah's mouth. Hannah is next, and she is also in college. She is a business major. She is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. Mark is number three and the first boy. He is in his last year of high school and he exemplifies what it means to be a man after God's own heart. He is also a very talented guitar player (Eric and Mark get along very well!) Ruthie (Ruth) has more personality in her pinky than I do in my whole body. This girl is hilarious, loves to laugh, and has a passion for horses and Jesus. John is the quintessential 9 year old boy! He has the most contagious laugh, but he is probably the most sensitive of the kids too. I love to watch him worship. Abby (Abigail) is the baby. She is the most adorable child on the planet and very thoughtful. It has been incredible to see her growing up every year.

I could write a novel on this family. The most incredible thing to me, other than how much they love God, is how much they love each other. The sibling relationships are absolutely wonderful. Honestly, it makes me a little jealous sometimes! I love my siblings, but I can see the difference being raised in a Christ-like home makes on the interactions between brothers and sisters.

I'll be honest (but then when am I not with you?) I am still processing the trip. I am still going back and reading my journal about everything that went on. I am still seeing God do things, long after we are home, as proof of his sovereignty and grace. I have a lot I can share, but a lot that I cannot, so I am really praying about my words before I present them to you.

(and yes, for all my anxious readers *cough*Deb*cough* I will post an adoption update soon ;) )

home...sort of.

2011-07-02T23:23:00.000-04:00

I'm home.
Well, my body is at least.
I'm pretty sure I left my heart in Costa Rica.
It's somewhere in the mountains.
I'd like to go back and find it.

I also miss this:

I'm processing still, but I'll be back super soon to fill you in on all that God did on the trip.
I am not lying when I say it was incredible.
God is awesome.

prayer chain - changed

2011-06-30T08:00:00.002-04:00

Please pray that we all leave changed with missional hearts. Pray that God wil change us, not simply change things.

"Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." - Romans 12:1-2

prayer chain - glory (and a shout out!)

2011-06-29T08:00:00.008-04:00

Pray that God would receive all the glory as we serve selflessly.

"make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." - Philippians 2:2-11

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SWEET FRIEND, TAYLOR!!!

prayer chain - revive

2011-06-28T08:00:00.002-04:00

Pray for all who are serving to be revived as we work, teach, and play with children and minister to one another.

"Restore us again O God of our salvation. Will you not revive us again that your people may rejoice in you? Show us your steadfast love and grant us your salvation! Surely his salvation is near to those who fear him, that glory may dwell in our land." - Psalm 85:4a, 6, 7, 9

prayer chain - teachers

2011-06-27T08:00:00.002-04:00

Pray for the missionaries Timothy and Keiry Jones, Kim Harrell, and others who are teaching, sharing and leading.

"shepherd the flock of God among you, exercising oversight not under compulsion, but voluntarily, according to the will of God; and not for sordid gain, but with eagerness; nor yet as lording it over those allotted to your charge, but proving to be examples to the flock. And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory." - 1 Peter 5:2-4

prayer chain - worship

2011-06-26T08:00:00.002-04:00

Pray that we will awake in a spirit of worship.

Splendor and majesty are before Him,
Strength and joy are in His place.
Ascribe to the LORD, O families of the peoples,
Ascribe to the LORD glory and strength.
Ascribe to the LORD the glory due His name;
Bring an offering, and come before Him;
Worship the LORD in holy array.
Tremble before Him, all the earth;
Indeed, the world is firmly established, it will not be moved.
Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice;
And let them say among the nations, “The LORD reigns.”

- 1 Chronicles 16:27-31

prayer chain - unity

2011-06-25T08:00:00.000-04:00

Pray for unity throughout the trip and today as we travel to have a day of fun in God's beautiful creation.

"Walking n a manner worthy to which you have been called with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." - Ephesians 4:1-3

prayer chain - boldness

2011-06-24T08:00:00.002-04:00

Pray as we walk around Grano de Oro encouraging the people to come to the Bible clubs on Monday that "we would open our mouths with boldness in making known the mystery of the gospel." - Ephesians 6:19

prayer chain - submission

2011-06-23T08:00:00.002-04:00

Please pray that we would work in an attitude of humble submission.

"Younger people submit yourselves to your elders. Yes, all of you be submissive to one another and be clothed with humility, for 'God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.'" - 1 Peter 5:5

prayer chain - travel

2011-06-22T08:00:00.000-04:00

Please pray for the Lord's presence and protection as we travel.

"The Lord of Hosts s with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge!" - Psalm 46:7

this cute couple i know...

2011-06-19T15:30:00.000-04:00

So my only regret about my wedding day is the fact that their are like 3 pictures of me and my husband together alone.

Yeah.

So my wonderfully talented friend Casey of Blissful Photography (who has been there for us from the beginning) is a budding photographer, and she took some amazingly beautiful shots of us the other day. Hey, it only took almost 5 years to get some pro photos!

Teaser:

Check some more of them out here!

(and hire her if you are in the SC area!!!)

hold me together

2011-06-17T18:32:00.002-04:00

LOVE Royal Tailor.

bind my wandering heart to thee

2011-06-14T09:47:00.003-04:00

I have SO been holding out on you!

Don't get mad yet, this is a good story. And since I can't contain it inside me anymore and keep screaming it off the rooftops...

I AM GOING BACK TO COSTA RICA!

Yup, you heard that right. My heart, the one that has been broken into a million pieces in the last few months, is going to be put back together again in the land that I have come to love more than life. It is such a place of healing. I need healing.

I honestly love serving. I really do, and I want God to get all the glory in that, not me. I love serving the youth group at my church (those kids are incredible!), the preschool class that I teach Sunday mornings, the learning center that I tutor at...the list goes on. However, and this is hard for me to admit, I am not in a good place to be pouring myself out for others right now.

I know, you just heard me say that I am going on an international mission trip, where serving is what we are there to do. It's different. When I am in Costa Rica, I'm all there. There isn't a piece of me that I leave behind in the US (except my precious hubby this time). I am able to focus all of my energy on two things: Serving God by serving the Jones' and worshiping the God I love. There are no distractions there. No cell phones, no internet, no malls...just me, God, and the mountains. And then I come back, renewed and refreshed, ready to serve again.

I haven't decided which one is more true: whether I hear from God so much more clearly when I'm on that mountaintop in Grano de Oro, or whether he speaks louder to me then. Either way, I am going on this trip with the knowledge that my God will speak to me. When I posted about being divided I told you that I was unsure. I know now that I am unsure because I haven't been given clear direction from God, I am waiting for him. And he was waiting for me to realize I needed to go on this trip.

Have I mentioned that I just joined this trip 12 days before we are supposed to leave? Yeah, me, the planner! I don't do things last minute like this! I don't care if I have been on the same trip 1000 times, I still like to plan in advance. God had different plans this time, and praise him, I listened and obeyed along with several other women close to me.

I'll be back soon with the details on how God worked all of this out.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!

happy birthday, my love

2011-06-13T13:38:00.002-04:00

open doors

2011-06-09T14:14:00.000-04:00

“Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing that we see too late the one that is open.” - Alexander Graham Bell

divided

2011-06-03T08:00:00.002-04:00

Lately I have started to realize that I view my life in two parts: before we lost our child, and after we lost our child.

Everything in my world was shaken to the core. My ability to make decisions has gone out the window. I don't trust anything I say or do to be a part of God's plan for me.

You see, before our loss I was sure.
I was sure about adoption.
I was sure about a sibling group.
I was sure about going through foster care.
I was sure about being ok with not being pregnant, or having a biological child.
I was sure.

After our loss I have been uncertain.
I am uncertain that I want to adopt.
I am uncertain that I want a sibling group.
I am uncertain about going through foster care.
I am uncertain if I want to ever be pregnant again, or have a biological child.

Before and after.

I know that I am still grieving. And grief doesn't care about my capacity to make decisions and trust them. Grief doesn't set boundaries in time. Maybe my thoughts are irrational cast in the midst of this grief and pain. It doesn't make them any less my thoughts, does it? It doesn't change the fact that right now, in this moment, it's how I feel.

The truth is, my life is partitioned into two parts. I am just wrong about the event in which my life was divided.

My life should be split into before Christ, and after Christ.

I need to remember where I was before Jesus. I need daily reminders of what God saved me from: a life of misery and unhappiness and constant approval of others.

Before Christ
I was uncertain of who I was.
I was uncertain of what life was supposed to be about.
I was uncertain of my purpose.

After Christ
I was sure of my identity in Christ Jesus.
I was sure about what my life should be about.
I was sure of my purpose.

My life needs to stop revolving around my grief and start revolving around my God again. That doesn't mean I won't be sad or upset or downright angry when I think about what we have lost, what our marriage has gone through. I am not trying to minimize my pain or the pain of anyone else who has lost a child. I am trying to cling to the God that I know holds my future in his hands. I am trying to center my life around Jesus and not around my circumstances.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

We are selfish people by nature and I will fail at this goal on a daily basis, I know that going in. But God is bigger than my grief and my selfishness. He wants nothing more than to be the only thing I need, the only thing I desire.

“God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.” - John Piper

lord, be

2011-06-02T11:14:00.000-04:00

"LORD, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress." - Isaiah 33:2

manifesto

2011-05-26T08:00:00.001-04:00

Listen to this one loud.

We believe in the one true God
We believe in Father Spirit Son
We believe that good has won

And all of the people of God sang along

Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen

We are free He died and lives again
We will be a people free from sin
We'll be free a kingdom with no end

And all of the people of God sang along

Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen

Our father who art in Heaven, hallowed by thy name
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who have trespassed against us
Lord lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil
For thine is the kingdom, power and the glory forever

We’re singing –
Amen
Amen, yeah
Amen
Amen, yeah
Amen
Amen, yeah, yeah.

attacking womanhood

2011-05-25T10:58:00.001-04:00

Please read this post at Held by my dear friend Thelma from Life as Two.

Thelma puts into words what most of us suffering from infertility can not. It attacks our womanhood, the very core of what it means to be female. If making babies is what separates women from men, where does that leave the women who can't?

to love

2011-05-22T08:00:00.001-04:00

"To love and to be loved is to feel the sun from both sides." - David Viscott

the body of christ

2011-05-20T08:00:00.002-04:00

Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many. - 1 Corinthians 12:12-14

But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. And God has placed in the church first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, of helping, of guidance, and of different kinds of tongues. Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? Do all have gifts of healing? Do all speak in tongues? Do all interpret? Now eagerly desire the greater gifts. - 1 Corinthians 12:18-31

Jesus.
He knows my pain.
He knows my hurt.
He knows my longing.
He knows my desire.

He loves me, unconditionally. (Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. - 1 John 4:8)

He is my rock, my salvation. (My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. - Psalm 62:1-2)

He intercedes for me. (Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. - Romans 8:34)

He died so that I might have life. (The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.- John 10:10)

Which is why he isn't here on earth today.
It's why he can't physically hug me and tell me that everything will be ok.

It's also why during our time of grief, he has sent people into our lives that have done above and beyond what friends should do. I know what the body of Christ should look like now. I know how it should function. I know because I have experienced it, day in and day out since we found out our little one wouldn't make it.

I now know that the body of Christ is just that, brothers and sisters who become the hands and feet of Jesus. They have become the arms that hold us tight, so that we don't fall apart.

My friends and family have lifted us in prayer. They have sent cards. They have sent flowers. They have been a shoulder to cry on. They have allowed us to vent our anger and air out our grief. They have not judged us. They have not offered platitudes. They have wept with us. They have assured us our feelings are normal. They have promised not to let go of us.

They have been Jesus to us, in our greatest time of need.

I can not thank these friends and family enough. I feel terrible for not having more of myself to give right now. I know it is biblical to bear one another's burdens, but I am so used to being the strong one, the encourager. It's hard and humbling to allow others to come along side us like this, but I wouldn't trade one of them for the world. Whether these people are a two minute drive from us or one thousand miles away, each one has touched Eric and I. Each one has lifted us one foot closer to the top of the pit.

I never want anyone to experience the intense pain and loneliness that is loss, but it is my prayer that people understand the importance of the church. Church isn't a building with pews. Church is disciples of Jesus gathering together to worship the Creator and to do life together. Is that life always easy? No, of course not. But I believe that when life starts getting messy and ugly, the people who most understand what Christ did for them on the cross are the ones who are not going to walk away. They will stay and pray and get messy right along with their church family.

Most of the people in my life now know about our baby. The statement that I most often hear is "you are so strong to be handling this with such grace." I want to say, gently, no friend, I am not. I am not strong. I am very, very weak. The strength I have is what I draw from my Savior.

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

beloved

2011-05-17T08:00:00.000-04:00

Love of my life

Look deep in my eyes

There you will find what you need

Give me your life

The lust and the lies

The past you're afraid I might see

You've been running away from me (yeah)

You're my beloved

Lover I'm yours

Death shall not part us

It's you I died for

For better or worse

Forever we'll be

Our Love it unites us

And it binds you to me

It's a mystery

Love of my life

Look deep in my eyes

There you will find what you need

I'm the giver of life

I'll clothe you in white

My immaculate bride you will be

Oh come running home to me yeah now

You're my beloved

Lover I'm yours

and Death shall not part us

It's you I died for

For better or worse

Forever we'll be

Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

Our Love it unites us

and it binds you to me yeah now, now

Well you've been a mistress, my wife

Chasin' lovers it won't satisfy

Won't you let me make you my bride

You will drink of my lips

And you'll taste new life

You're my beloved

Lover I'm yours

Death shall not part us

It's you I died for

For better or worse

Forever we'll be (forever we'll be)

Our Love it unites us

And it binds you to me

It's a mystery

when the rules are broken

2011-05-16T08:00:00.009-04:00

Sometimes I forget that I started this blog as my own personal journal, a way to document mine and Eric's life and all the lovely little adventures along the way. I start writing to "captivate my audience" or "appease the masses" forgetting that the masses are a minimal 71 followers, many of whom are friends and family. Not that it's a bad thing to write this way, I rather enjoy it. It gives me focus.

Today I am not writing for my 71 loyal followers (even though I do love you guys) or the other family and friends that read posts via facebook or just have me bookmarked. Today I am writing for me. Today I have things that I need to say, that I need to get off my mind, and I am not going to censor my writing to be more blogger-friendly.

I guess you can consider that a warning for the things you are about to read. It was hard for me to write. It was harder knowing my husband needed to read it first. Pushing "publish post" was the hardest, though, knowing how many people it just might reach.

For the last three years the book of my life has been colored with many adjectives. The most dominant one being infertile. I have been careful not to let this word define me, although I admit sometimes it has. But after this long, the word infertility and I have come to an understanding...an agreement of sorts. We have a set of rules that we play by now: I can not get pregnant, and that's ok. God brought me to a place where I was honestly and truly comfortable with being the girl who can not get pregnant.

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9

That meant I was able to rejoice with friends who announced their blessings.
I could go to the hospital and visit my friends who had just stepped into their new roles as Mom.
I could participate in and even throw baby showers, all the while quoting "rejoice with those who rejoice..." (Romans 12:15)
I could do life with minimal interruption from my adjective and adversary.

Then infertility threw me a curve ball, and broke the rules. You see, the definition of infertility is multi-faceted. According to Resolve:

"Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after 12 months of trying to conceive."

On March 16, 2011 I woke up and took my temperature as I did every morning (to track my cycles). It was unusually high. I knew I must be getting sick and I wanted to be able to take some medicine in order to function at work that day. Thanks to my lovely PCOS diagnosis, I never really knew where I was in my cycle so I had to bite the bullet and take a pregnancy test. The first one in over a year. I had long since discovered that a pregnancy test wasn't like school tests, I always passed those with flying colors. I got up, dug out an expired dollar store test, took it, and promptly went back to bed confident of the one line that would be showing up in a few minutes.

Except two lines showed up.

I started shaking and decided I needed to bring out the big guns - a digital test. So I took it and no sooner had I gone to the kitchen to pour my coffee did I see the word we had been longing to see for three years.

"pregnant."

I was pregnant. Me, the girl who had become completely complacent with never seeing that word. I fell on my face and cried out to God, thanking him over and over again for his grace and his mercy.

"Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies." - Psalm 26:5

You don't realize how much you want something until that thing becomes tangible again. I finally pulled myself together, called my doctors office and told them the news. The precious nurse cried on the phone with me and offered me an appointment that day. I went, it was confirmed, it wasn't all a dream.

That evening I told my husband. My precious husband who had waited in heartache just as long as I had to become a father, it was the sweetest moment of my life to tell him he was one.

We told a few very close family members and friends, confident they would be praying for us and our baby. We decided to tell the world after the heartbeat was seen, which would be at 8 weeks. We lived two blissful weeks with the knowledge that God had blessed us with a pregnancy. We allowed ourselves to dream, a little.

Life as we knew it changed the day I called my doctor with the news that I had had some cramping a just a tiny bit of spotting. They wanted me to come in immediately. I was 6 weeks and 3 days. I was whisked into the ultrasound room, completely alone and unaware that anything but my baby would be on that screen.

After the longest two minutes of my life, I knew. I could tell by the nurse's expression and my doctor's resistance to saying anything that our baby was gone. On the screen was a beautifully formed gestational sac in exactly the right place...but it was empty.

Words were finally coming out of my doctors mouth about "...blighted ovum..." and "...beta doubling..." and "...could be too early..." but I knew. I had blood work done that day. And two days later it was repeated. And the day after that my doctor called to inform me that my beta had indeed doubled. In layman's terms - my hormones indicated everything was fine. The ultrasound was scheduled on Monday, exactly one week from the last one.

Monday comes, Eric is there this time, the ultrasound begins, our world collapses.

On the screen is an even larger, perfectly formed gestational sac, still void of our baby.

It's official. And now I have to learn how to live the multi-faceted definition of infertility. I am no longer the girl who couldn't get pregnant. I am the girl who couldn't get pregnant, miraculously did, and is now the mother of a heaven-born baby.

I don't know how to be that girl.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD."- Job 1:21b

(to be continued...)

what had happened was

2011-05-09T11:21:00.001-04:00

So I am a little out of blog world lately.
I hate it.
I love to blog.
And read other's blogs.
And fill these pages with random thoughts and ramblings from my mind.

However...
I still have to cook.
Clean.
Do laundry.
Spend time with Jesus.
Work.
Spend time with Eric.
Youth.
Small group.

In no particular order. The list goes on...and frankly I am overbooked right now. So we will be back to our regularly scheduled programming asaicgatjd (as soon as i can get all this junk done, I'm not patenting this, so it's free for the taking).

Miss you all! Be back soon!

it's my party

2011-05-03T10:23:00.000-04:00

Well, it's my birthday. I thought I'd let you all celebrate with me with this video. My dad sings this to me every.single.year. since I was born. You're welcome.

mythbusters

2011-04-28T11:17:00.000-04:00

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and Resolve is campaigning hard this year with their "Mythbusters" blog challenge.

I thought about writing one.
I toyed with two or three of them that are close to my heart.
I even started one.

Then I started reading my friend's posts and was in awe of how they took a myth out in a dark alley and opened up a can on 'em. So I thought I would link up my friends and let you read for yourself. If you love me, or know anyone in your life that has struggled with infertility/loss, you will read through them. You will educate yourself so that you will not make someone feel even worse than they already do without even knowing it.

Thelma @ Life as Two
- writes about giving up hope

Rachel @ Portrait Rachel
- writes about the dismissal of knowledge of infertility

Grace @ Small Copper Coins
- writes about the "cure" of having a biological child

Amy @ Blessed by Adoption and Birth
- writes about adoption being a means to a pregnancy

Kim @ Finding Sunshine
- writes about God not wanting us to be parents

g.o.s.p.e.l.

2011-04-25T13:25:00.002-04:00

G.O.S.P.E.L. from Humble Beast Records on Vimeo.

just as he said

2011-04-24T15:40:00.002-04:00

stumble upon

2011-04-20T17:04:00.000-04:00

"Holy addiction Batman!"

I am warning you, if you click the link below it is completely and totally not my fault if you spend 4 or 5 straight hours there. I think this website might seriously be able to read my mind!

It takes you all of about 5 minutes to fill out a little worksheet claiming what your interests are.

I checked off about 15 things on the list including items like music, Christianity, food, and dogs. In a matter of minutes Stumble Upon had found me the most delicious dessert recipe I have ever seen, a recipe for homemade chapstick (hello!!!) and this cheeky adorable video.

Stumble Upon, you had me at hello. (and chocolate...)

Go.
Enjoy.
And don't blame me when your husband walks in the door and asks "what's for dinner?" while you are sitting in your pj's.

StumbleUpon.com

ode to the cadbury creme egg

2011-04-19T08:00:00.004-04:00

Hands down the best Easter candy of.all.time.

My addiction to these delicious little only-out-once-a-year treats started way back in my childhood (thanks Mom) and rivals that of my cherry chapstick addiction and my over-abundance of dashes when writing.

Things I have learned about the egg:
I love them.
I buy them as soon as they are in stores (usually a month before Easter) and I eat one a day until Easter.
One is enough, they are very sweet! Ok, sometimes two.
People have strong opinions one way or another on the egg. They either love them or hate them. Not much in-between!
They were first manufactured in 1923!
The proper way to eat one is to break it in half, lick the goo out, then eat the chocolate. It's all about etiquette people.
They are delicious.

So what's your favorite Easter candy? And no dissin' the egg.

blessed

2011-04-18T18:06:00.000-04:00

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

i'm part of something awesome

2011-04-15T10:50:00.003-04:00

I have a new button over there on the left. See it? The one that says Held?

GO CLICK ON IT!

Ok, sorry for the yelling, I may or may not be ridiculously excited about this. Go explore, have fun, follow us, like us on Facebook, and just get excited with me about this supercoolcan'twaittoseewhatelseisinstore blog!

this is the stuff

2011-04-11T14:00:00.000-04:00

45 in a 35
Sirens and fines
while I'm running behind...

This may or may not describe a typical day in my life. Just sayin' ;)

i heart c.s. lewis

2011-04-10T17:25:00.000-04:00

A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell.

God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith but they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.

The real problem is not why some pious, humble, believing people suffer, but why some do not.

There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way."

- C. S. Lewis

i found her some shoes

2011-04-05T19:10:00.000-04:00

It was a long, hard, hot day of searching for shoes for each child I came in contact with. It was shoe and dental day in a small mountain village on Day 2 of Honduras.

The small tiny church we were in was not air-conditioned and it was filled to the brim with kids and adults whose shoes were too small and/or full of holes. We did our best to keep up with them, but it seemed for every child we found a pair of shoes to fit there were ten more begging for a pair.

I saw her from the very back of the room. She slowly made her way up the line, smile on her face the.whole.time. She was gorgeous. She was also alone. No parents, no older siblings, just her sweet smiling face. And when she made it up front, she was mine to fit. Of course, she is the one size of shoe that we were running completely out of. And it's the end of the day. I took her battered flip flop and compared it to countless other brand new shoes, all of which were one size too small or six sizes too big. Finally, a pair of pink tennis shoes (they call them "tennies") surfaced. I slipped one on her foot.

Perfect fit.

She grinned that large grin that I had come to love already and said in beautiful baby doll Spanish "Gracias amiga!"

"De nada!" I replied, grinning right back.

Then we were hooked. She didn't leave my side. She had already gotten her shoes and her candy and her jewelry and all the other little things we were handing out that day. It didn't matter, she just wanted to hold my hand. She just wanted to be talked to and tickled and I was more than happy to oblige. She probably told me her name 27 times, but I never understood what she said. It didn't matter. She was already unforgettable.

That smile.
The pure joy of some candy and a pair of shoes.
That precious little girl living in the mountains of Honduras.

She will not be forgotten.

anxiety

2011-03-30T13:27:00.001-04:00

I am not one of those worry-free, carefree, live life one day at a time, doesn't care about consequences kind of people.

But you have probably already figured that out, smartypants that you are!

I believe my personality type stems from a lot of things. Of course, one being that I am God-designed. Another being that I am the oldest of four siblings and have always felt the need to act like the oldest, if you know what I mean. I am bossier than most by nature, but also viciously loyal. I like to be in control, but I am a very good leader. For each set of negative characteristics of my personality, there is a whole host of positives as well.

My pastor's favorite word is balance, and I definitely think it applies to this area of my life.

One of the most positive things (so I have been told, I am not trying to pat myself on the back here) about my personality is that I care deeply about people. I don't do shallow, surface level relationships. I have been there and done that and all it did was bring me a whole lot of hurt and wasted time. Since then, God has molded me and taught me a lot about relationships and people in general.

I don't do artificial. I don't do superficial.

I do real.

And real means having to say and do hard things sometimes. Real means confrontation and I hate confrontation. But I do it. Because it's biblical. Because it's necessary. Because I love my friends/family/husband too much not too.

The negative aspect of this lovely personality trait that I have is that it brings me a lot of anxiety. I deal with anxiety a lot more than I let on to even my closest friends. My anxiety affects me the same way each time. If I feel it coming on, it's already to late to try to stop it. Once it hits me, there is no going back, there is no knowing how long it will last. What I do know is that my heart will pound out of it's chest. I will not be able to sit still for long periods of time. I *tmi* will use the bathroom several more times a day than necessary. My hands shake. I cold sweat. And the worst...my thoughts run rampant.

I have learned from my many bouts of anxiety (some may call them panic attacks but I truly don't believe mine are severe enough to warrant that definition.) that the best thing for me to do is to get in The Word. To sit down with my Bible and pour myself into it, and to let it empty me of all the uneasiness and fill me up with the promises God has for us.

I don't know that there was much point to this post except to let you in on a little of what I am feeling right now. I really can't share what is going on in my life right now, but let's just say it's big and it's scary and it's proving to come with a lot more anxiety than normal.

So what are you tactics for decreasing anxiety? What are some of your favorite scriptures or books of the Bible in general?

My favorite...

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." - Philippians 4:4-9

i will

2011-03-29T12:28:00.001-04:00

"Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave." - Psalm 86:11-13

frustration at its finest

2011-03-25T10:11:00.000-04:00

That would be me.

Do you realize, faithful readers, that I have not posted an actual update to our adoption in over 2 months? And that we haven't had any action on the adoption front in well over 6 months? Yes you read that right. It has been 6 months since we turned in our paperwork and not one.single.solitary. form of correspondence has been had between us and DSS, unless it was on my part first. And even then it would take them days and days to respond.

Ridiculous.

I have talked with friends who have done this before and the consensus is the same: this shouldn't be taking so long.

I may have held my tongue long enough with my social worker in an effort to "keep the peace" and "stay on her good side" and "not burn bridges."

I think some day pretty soon she may be meeting a bridge-burning-nonpeace-keeping-doesn't-care-whose-bad-side-she-gets-on version of myself.

And then I remember our kids.

The ones that are out there somewhere in desperate need of someone to hug them and tell them they are safe and loved. Someone to teach them about Jesus so that they never have to be alone in this world again.

I think about those things and I can't bring myself to pick up that phone and assume the holier than thou attitude that I so can have during times like this.

Instead I lay my emotions aside and pray. I desperately petition God on behalf of my kids and all of the others in the system that haven't found their forever homes yet.

God's plan, not mine.
God's timing, not mine.
God's provision, not mine.

on stranger tides

2011-03-22T21:39:00.002-04:00

Have I ever mentioned that I am a HUGEMONGOUS Pirates of the Caribbean fan? I have a serious addiction. They are some of the very few movies I can watch overandoverandover again! And numero cuatro is coming out MAY 20TH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah. Color me e.c.s.t.a.t.i.c.

You're welcome.

you're beautiful

2011-03-21T11:52:00.005-04:00

the faces...

2011-03-19T22:07:00.000-04:00

...the ones that haunt me day and night. The ones I constantly see in my dreams or driving down the road. The faces that won't leave my mind or my heart. And I don't want them to. Ever. I NEVER want to forget what I saw, how I felt, how they looked.

I never want those pieces of my heart back. The ones that broke off in the orphanage and at the dump and at the river. I don't want to put them back on my heart and have the brokenness mended.

Leave my heart the way it is. Smashed into a million pieces and lying all over the city of San Pedro Sula.

Lord Jesus you know and love each and every one of these little faces. You have plans for their lives. You care about every fiber of their being. You knit them together in their mother's wombs and you continue to grow their little bodies. God we trust these children to you, you love them far more than I ever could. God, help me never to forget these faces, let them haunt me always, so that I may be broken enough to see the hurting world around me every single day.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts,God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you. If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!" - Psalm 139:13-19

your love

2011-03-17T14:58:00.000-04:00

"Your love, LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. Your righteousness is like the highest mountains, your justice like the great deep." - Psalm 36:5-6

so so good.

2011-03-13T22:16:00.001-04:00

"Wherever the providence of God may dump us down, in a slum, in a shop, in the desert, we have to labour along the line of His direction. Never allow this thought- 'I am of no use where I am,' because you certainly can be of no use where you are not! Wherever He has engineered your circumstances, pray." - Oswald Chambers

the orphanage that ruined me

2011-03-11T08:00:00.000-05:00

Our first full day in Honduras we went to the government orphanage in San Pedro Sula.

I knew this day would be hard. I knew it from the day my friend Anna told me we would be going. I started praying for strength that very day.

To not be able to grow our family is hard.
To be in the middle of what seems like a stagnant adoption process is trying.
To go to an orphanage and spend time with precious children that you can not take home is excruciating.

I am going to tell you all about my time in that orphanage and I am not going to sugar coat it for you. I will say (not to sound superior or all-knowing) that my words will not suffice to paint the picture of the conditions of this place.

Our van pulled up to a 20 foot tall concrete wall, topped with barbed wire. The guards opened the huge iron gate for us to pull in and then they promptly closed and locked them behind us. Clue number one. I stepped out of the van and caught my breath. The "orphanage" we were at most resembled a prison. Iron bars on all the windows and nothing but concrete and tile inside. Not a soft surface to be found. We were told that maximum capacity was 120 children...and that they were at about 160 at last count. The first thing I smelled was urine. The entire place was covered in it. The children came out in droves and lined up for their treat. We brought fruit for them since they don't get much to eat to begin with and they need some sort of nutrition.

You have never seen brighter smiles than the ones that graced the faces of those who had received their fruit. What innocence.

During the fruit I felt a tug on my shirt, and then a pulling on the back of my neck. A little boy, I can't be sure of his age but if I had to guess I would say 9 or 10, was pulling me down into him. He made sure my head was resting on his shoulder as he kissed my cheek over and over and over. He wouldn't let go. I felt the lice crawling all over my cheek and my neck and I didn't care. I wasn't letting go either. It was by the grace of God that I didn't break down right then and there.

I didn't want those kids to see any more sadness than they already had. We were there to bring hope and joy and smiles and love, not tears. This was not my day to be selfish, I was to be the light of Christ in a dark dark place.

We then toured the orphanage where we saw rooms covered in dirt with not enough beds and mattresses whose springs had long worn through. We saw sick child after sick child laying in beds motionless. We saw special needs children whom could have had a completely normal life had it not been for the beatings and neglect they had seen in such a short little lifetime. We saw bare feet and nakedness. We felt the intense heat with no air conditioning. We smelled the urine and feces that covered the floors. We touched those who hadn't felt physical touch in days or weeks. We heard the laughter of little ones who found joy in just playing with two marbles.

Finally, we came to the baby room. This room contained about 30 children...and one worker. I would venture to say at least 60% of them were sick. There were two babies to a crib. Blankets were propped up under bottles so that they could feed themselves. Most were under the age of 2, except for the precious few in their teen years who had disabilities you can't even fathom. I was overcome with despair immediately upon entering that room. I stopped and prayed for strength and peace and wisdom and guidance and everything I could think of before I could run out of that room and pretend I never saw what I saw.

And God heard. He gave me a measure of grace unlike any I had ever had before. He directed my steps to a 9 month old baby boy who was smaller than most 3 month old American babies. I gently turned him over from his belly and immediately noticed his insanely high fever and the green, sickly snot running from his poor nose. I picked him up. I didn't care that we weren't really supposed to (we had been told it is more traumatizing to them to be held and put down than never held at all...) I held and cuddled and talked to and prayed over this little boy for what seemed like a lifetime and a millisecond all at the same time.

I should have run out the door with him.

He was so hungry, but the worker would not feed him because of the fever. My heart was breaking. He finally fell asleep and I laid him down. I repeated the process all over again with another precious little boy (I really have a soft spot for boys...) until we were told it was time to go. I know I was the last one to leave that room and I honestly don't remember doing it. I think God picked me up himself and placed me outside the door because I surely wouldn't have removed myself.

On the way out I was bombarded by little ones who were fascinated by my camera. They wanted pictures of themselves and I was only more than happy to oblige. I don't know how long the others waited in the vans for me, all I know is they were fully air-conditioned by the time I got in.

God,
You love those children more than I ever could, and that's a love that I will never understand. You will take care of them, you will provide for them, and one day I will see them in Heaven. Lord, help me to be obedient to your Spirit and to never forget the sickness and deprivation of that place. Protect those little souls. It's in your son's holy name I pray, Amen.

"Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” - Matthew 19:14

help keep me accountable

2011-03-10T21:54:00.000-05:00

Here is the link to the blog containing all the gory details of how I am surviving this crazy diet!

The Maker's Diet: A Food Diary

i'm starting again

2011-03-09T11:05:00.000-05:00

The Maker's Diet, that is.

It's time. The first time I did it was in June 2010, so my goal of every 6 months was shot, but that's ok. I have gotten out of control on portion sizes and sweets and carbs...all things bad for a girl with insulin resistance. I just realized today that my 40 days on Maker's Diet coincides perfectly with Lent! I don't know how you feel about Lent, we observed it at the church I grew up in and now we really don't. I think it is a good time to focus on what Christ did for us on the cross, and I always focus better when I give up things that tend to consume my life.

I'll link up the blog I will be using to track my eating so you can ~~laugh~~ ~~make fun of~~ encourage me through this process!

And yes, Honduras posts are coming.

overwhelmed.

2011-03-08T11:07:00.000-05:00

I am home.

First, thank you to all that prayed for me and my team while we were in Honduras. The Lord answered so many prayers while we were there it was incredible.

I plan on posting a few stories from my trip as a way to document what God has done, and a way for me to never forget the sickness, hopelessness, and poverty that I saw.

Be patient as I try and get back into the swing of things. I realize I don't really like my real life very much. I would much rather live in Central America...one day, Lord willing.

Right now I am processing. And I am overwhelmed.

I'll leave you with one picture, but there will be many more to come.

Pre-school kids at the Government Orphanage waiting for their fruit cups.

day 9 - travel home

2011-03-05T08:00:00.001-05:00

Pray for safe flight, continued good health, and for the team to be able to share what great things God has done to as many others as God opens doors for.

“Now to Him alone who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly more than all we could ask or imagine according to His power that is at work within us.” Ephesians 3:20

day 8 - visit the waterfalls

2011-03-04T08:00:00.002-05:00

Pray for safe travels to the waterfalls and a good last day of fellowship together.

“By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” John 13:35

day 7 - food at the river

2011-03-03T08:00:00.001-05:00

Pray for safety and crowd control, and again to be able to share Jesus with many.

"Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it unto me.” Matthew 25:40

day 6 - food at the dump

2011-03-02T08:00:00.006-05:00

Pray for God to multiply the food as there are many to feed and for opportunity to share the gospel with many.

“Then Jesus took the loaves, gave thanks to God, and distributed them to the people. Afterward he did the same with the fish. And they all ate as much as they wanted” John 6:11

day 5 - food, shoes, dental on the mountain

2011-03-01T08:00:00.004-05:00

Pray for God to bring those of divine appointment to get food, shoes and dental work ...and that the gospel would be clearly given.

“Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.” 1 Thessalonians 5:24

day 4 - work day

2011-02-28T08:00:00.001-05:00

Pray for unity and peace among the team members as we serve.

“Above all things put on love which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” Col. 3:14

day 3 - church and orphanage

2011-02-27T08:00:00.001-05:00

Pray for the team, that we will offer hope to those we will come in contact with each day. (and for my heart this day...)

“May the God of hope so fill you with all joy and peace in believing as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

day 2 - travel

2011-02-26T08:00:00.002-05:00

Pray for safe flight, good weather, and good health for the team & that God will work mightily, using this team for His glory!

“For we are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God has beforehand prepared so that we would walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10

day 1 - getting ready

2011-02-25T08:00:00.007-05:00

Pray for the team members to open their hearts to what the Lord would have for each one of us.

“For I am confident of the very thing, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Phil. 1:6

how you can pray

2011-02-24T08:00:00.001-05:00

My dear friend Beth is a walking bible. Seriously. And she is a prayer warrior. And she is coming to Honduras with me on her very first international mission trip! She put together a specific list of prayers for each day that we are in Honduras. I am going to post them here each day (aaaah the power of the auto post!) so that you can pray specifically with us.

I believe in the power of prayer. Don't think that just because you are home and not overseas somewhere serving that you can't make an impact for Jesus. You can. And it's a simple as going before the God of the universe on behalf of those who are in a season of being able to travel.

So pray for us.
Pray hard.
Pray daily.
Pray specifically.

And God will listen.
He will hear.
He will answer!

dos dias tambien

2011-02-23T14:51:00.001-05:00

It means "two days again" in spanish. I'm brushing up ;)

Because that was the title of this post when I was leaving for Costa Rica the first time! Now I am going to Honduras...and I am a boatload of emotions! I am super excited to be going to a new country, although I am nervous to be doing so without my husband. I know I am in good hands, I have no worries about my safety or anything like that. Believe me, we hire two armed guards to walk around with us and stand by the bus...we will be just fine.

I am more than just a little stoked about visiting the orphanage...I honestly think it could quite possibly be the most bittersweet experience in my life. I am so ready to hand out food and shoes to the wordscan'tevendescribehowpoortheyare children that live at the dump and the river bed.

I have not packed.

Yes I know. Don't judge me. All my life I have been what some may call a procrastinator. Basically what it boils down to is I work well under pressure. I can't write a paper unless it's due in 3 hours and I can't pack a suitcase unless it's T - 5 hours until lift-off! Don't judge me.

I am going to *try* to have some posts automatically set up for all of you lovely ~~stalkers~~ readers so you don't miss me too terribly much! However, when I come back it's going to be blogging GOLD! I know you will be in prayer for me and my team!

I am ready to be the hands and feet of Jesus!!!